Trusting the path you are on is not always easy. Today I have done a lot of thinking and praying and being frustrated and praying some more.
I have talked about the Tower Garden a few times before. After many long talks, we finally decided to purchase one a couple weeks ago. So very excited and I could not wait for it to get here. It arrived last night.
Because of some disappointing news at the end of last week, I have been trying to decide if we should send it back. I probably should but seeing how Jack is now eating a lot of salads on top of me eating at least one a day, in the end it will save us money. It is just a matter of trying to figure out how to make it work until the point it is paid for.
So today we spent some time setting it up. All we have left to do is get the seeds going in the rockwool and soon we will have our own vertical aeroponic fresh garden that is feeding our family year round.
Then came the talk from Jack. If Adam isn’t going to be living here anymore we should make his room a bedroom and office. We can put your computer desk in there to get it out of the kitchen so in the winter we can put the Tower Garden in there.
I may have been a bit unhappy with that suggestion. While deep down I know Adam isn’t coming back home, I am not ready for him to be gone. I get it, I have three other children who are still living in the home. We don’t have our basement because it flooded twice and we can’t repair it. It would be better to have only five people living on the main level instead of six. It would be better to only have to feed five people instead of six.
Still it hit me hard. I felt like I had a knife stabbed into my chest. He hasn’t been here since the 23rd of July. I rarely get a text from him. He never calls and rarely picks up the phone when I call. And yet, the thought of changing his room hurts. He is my baby and with him not living here, I won’t see him or hear from him hardly at all. It is just who he is as a person.
Trusting the path I am on and trusting the path he is on and trusting the path our family is on – it is hard.
There is no way to say for certain that any of the choices you make are the right ones. You can pray about it. You can talk about it with God. You can confirm it with what others say that affirm it. Yet there is still a chance, it is going to turn out wrong.
We do not have control over anything but ourselves and our choices. We could be making all the correct choices and someone else’s bad choice could still cross paths with our good choice.
I opened all my notes from boot camp today and was reflecting upon some of them. Some of the people quoted Joan of Arc. Some of the people quoted Wonder Woman. Some of the people quoted Eric Worre. Some of the people quoted Brene Brown. I wrote a lot of quotes down but one of them really stuck out to me.
When Joan of Arc was telling the General she was going to lead the troops into battle he wasn’t favorable with his response. He said, “Not a man will follow you.” and her response was, “I won’t be looking back to see if they’re following me.”
That really got me thinking. She had messages from God. She knew her path was right. She didn’t care if they followed her because God told her to do this. She didn’t have to worry about if they were following her because she trusted the path God had placed her on. She was acting and God would act because of it.
I may not be getting messages from any angel that God sent to me but He does send me plenty of signs. To have the faith she had would be amazing because I do not believe I have that faith. It takes me a long time to truth the path He has placed me upon and then I still question it once I am going down it.
Trust is a hard thing. Why is it so hard though? For me, I am human and I have been hurt by other humans. I have hurt others humans. I have been a horrible person to some people. That is why it is so hard trusting because I place God in that human form. Guess what? He isn’t though!
God is good. God doesn’t want bad things to happen to any of His children. He didn’t have this plan for us. He knew it would happen but it wasn’t His plan. He gave us freewill so we could choose. He knew what we would choose and still He allowed it all to happen, even though it wasn’t His plan.
We are pretty darn amazing at screwing things up. He is pretty darn amazing at being there for us no matter what. He has given us grace.
Today is the start of a new month. Today is the true start of having to figure things out again. Life is great at throwing you curve balls and most of the time, I don’t catch them because they hit me square in the chest. I have had to really just give it all up to God because I have run out of options to figure it out myself.
I just said to someone the other day, “You can’t keep on rescuing her because then you are not allowing her to have to rely upon God.” In many ways it was a huge slap in my own face. Those words hit me hard. I haven’t fully been trusting because I have always been looking for a way to fix it all myself.
I am not saying we don’t have a responsibility to act and do our part. However when we are not just praying, when we are not working on our relationship with Him, when we are looking for solutions and just jumping in feet first (or even head first), we are not trusting our path. We are trying to create our own path and figure it out instead of doing His will for us and following His path.