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A Look Backwards and Ahead

Today is January 1, 2017. The last year has brought about a lot of change in our lives. Things you could both see and could not see. 

One of the things you could see was my weight loss over the year and my face getting better! There were a lot of things that changed inside of me that you could not see. I had less swelling in my joints. I could actually get my wedding ring on and off my finger without struggling. Even when I weighed less when we got married I struggled to get my ring on and off because of my knuckle! It is an amazing things to be able to see and do. 

There have been ups and down over the year. I am bipolar and this past year took its toll on me. I was dealing with tough love with my oldest child. I had to call the police on him. I had to kick him out, again. I had to stick to my guns and I had to just pray. I could not lift a finger and call and make appointments for him. I could not lift a finger and take care of things for him like I had in the past. I also had to accept that I could get a call from the police telling me he was in the hospital or worse, I could get a knock on the door with the police standing there telling me he was no longer with us. I had to accept that at some point as a person with a mental health problem, he had to step up and take control and be accountable for what he was doing, saying, and all he wasn’t doing. It was very heartbreaking and it doesn’t just go away. 

Yet another thing we have had to deal with was both of our vehicles giving up on us before we were ready to give up on them. We went a month without two cars in the summer. We made it work and ended up just settling and taking a car on, with high mileage and with both a car payment and full coverage insurance. Then in October Big Blue died. Just stopped working. We spent time trying to find out and figure out what had gone wrong. All we could find out was that it has internal engine failure with no known cause. It was devastating. We still had a year to pay on the car. We now needed a new motor. It was going to cost us more to get a new motor and have that installed than what we owed on the car. We ended up taking on another loan, higher payment that what we started with and again, full coverage insurance. 

Our year started off with our only debt being the house, Big Blue, and student loans. We had made a really hard choice the year before to take some drastic measures. Unfortunately in many ways it backfired on us. Even though we were released in January from what we did, our case remained open. There were a couple things they were still pursuing. The problem with that was when things started to go wrong on our home and with other things, we had no way to get a loan. Apparently according to our case, it is still pending, still open and so we look like our home and car were included in the case. This has caused a huge issue for us. It has resulted in us only being able to get credit cards with high interest. It has resulted in desperate loans with high payments and still not everything is fixed in the house. It has caused us to one year later be back where we started before taking those drastic measures. It has broken me and it really made me have to start looking inward.

So many have over the years picked a word for the coming year. I had prayed on it. I had thought about others words I had seen and thought that it would work but it didn’t speak to me. Then about 12:01 the word determined came to my mind. It was okay and it probably fit what I was hoping for 2017 but I wanted to see the actual definition. I opened up the dictionary and I see the word, “PURPOSEFUL” as a synonym for determined and I knew without even seeing it, that is where God was leading me. I clicked on the word, looked at the definition and knew that was my word.

I posted it on Facebook and I set my alarm to get up for church. I didn’t know what the new year had in store for me but I knew it started at church. I struggled to fall asleep. I laid awake reading my Bible app. Finally around 3 AM I felt a calm and closed my eyes praying I would get up for church.

Then today in church I knew why I needed to be there. 

Good things happen. Bad things happen. The best thing is God is always working in those situations, behind the scenes, inside of you to prepare you for the purpose He has for you. 

My choosing that word Purposeful was not of me, it was me hearing Him. It was me knowing that no matter what comes this year, my whole intent is to do it with purposefully bringing glory to Him. 

This upcoming year is going to be different than last year. Last year I was growing my relationship with Christ and it was amazing but I was missing a huge thing. I was missing the big picture. I was missing putting that relationship into action. I was quick to act and slower to pray when things were happening. I was not being intentional, I was being impulsive. 

This year I will be intentional with actions. I will be praying before acting. I will be sure that everything I am doing is done purposeful. He has been working in me and I see it. He has been working in me and I know what I need to do. He has been showing me some amazing things and I am becoming more and more excited as it gets closer. 

This past year has been full of things that I can’t always put into words. I want to say or do something and I am just missing the correct thing to say or do. It was because I had a hard lesson to learn. It doesn’t mean I won’t trip and fall but He is with me, working in me, without with me, preparing me for His purpose.

I look forward to being with you in 2017! 

Do you have a word for 2017? I would love to hear it!

3 thoughts on “A Look Backwards and Ahead”

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