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I Am Worn; i am weary

Old habits die hard. I made some really serious health changes last year and then again in March. It is August and all of a sudden the last week for me has been filled with old habits. Not just old habits but old bad habits.

We are human and if you believe in God or not, we are all in the flesh. What that means for me is that we tend to see the person, their past, their present, their thoughts, their actions and we lump them into this person. I do not talk about my past a lot because for the most part, I am not her anymore and I do not want to be judged on who I was way back then. Sometimes though it is hard not to talk about the past because part of it will always be a part of me and where I am right now.

I am Worn, I am WearyWhen I had my oldest son, I was very young. My life for quite a few years had been full of turmoil. I ripped my immediate family apart. I had dropped out of school. I had defied and redefined who I thought I was. Then I was pregnant and about to become a mom.

Those years were filled with a lot of stupidity. For a long time I didn’t even raise my oldest. My parents were his guardians. I had asked them to do it and they did. Those for me were very scary years. Those were years I don’t even fully recall.

I drank, a lot. I smoked cigarettes, a lot. I self mutilated, a lot. I was very sexual. I was not the brightest person. I can say during those years I didn’t do drugs however. So I do have that going for me. Still those were not good years. Lived any place I could. Would go to Detroit just because with some friends. You name it and I probably did it back then. I was self medicating. I was at that point an unmedicated, undiagnosed bipolar train wreck. I attempted suicide three times and the third time in the ER a social worker came in and said, “Get help or we are putting you in the mental health facility.” I agreed to get help.

Now help didn’t fix it all and it took a lot of time. I still deal with things from back then. I still have problems because of back then. Currently I am worn and I am weary.

My oldest has a lot of the issues I had. We have done everything we can do for him. We have gone above and beyond so many times we have hurt ourselves, our relationship, our financial status, our family and our home.

Then there is also other issues that are going on that were brought on by my divorce. Things were supposed to be done by my ex and they were not. We ended up hurt financially and had to make hard choices. We thought things would be better after everything and it turns out, it is still hurting us. Not because of what we had to do but because of what my ex didn’t do. It is hurting us a lot more than I even thought would be possible.

Over the last week I just look at everything and wonder when will it all end. It has really come crashing down over the last week.

We started these home businesses for our health and our family. They then turned into businesses that were helping us financially. They still are helping us but it is all still work. I just have the luxury of working from home (or anywhere) when hours permit. Great because this last week the hours are typically late and erratic.

I have guilt from my past. I have pain from my past. I have unforgiveness at times towards myself. I have children who are angry with me after all these years. I have people who still see me as that unmedicated person who doesn’t know how to make a wise choice.

Weeks like these bring them all to a head. Finally after two weeks of trying I got responses and information. All of it within the last 24 hours. Once again we are in financial craziness because of different things but all of it truly comes down to because of my past.

How crazy is it that I don’t talk about my past because I don’t want to be judged on who I used to be and yet all of my current life issues are because of who I was. Over 23 years later and my life is still being affected by choices I made all those years ago. Not just in one way but many; emotionally, financially, mentally, physically (overeating again) and currently spiritually. Over 23 years ago I started making bad choices, over 12 years ago I started to make good choices; I wouldn’t change the good but I am ready to move on from the bad…

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